What happens when you leave the house…

Mr. B. Ayo and I are in week three of our project and I’ve noticed something.  The more often you leave the house, the more experiences you have and the more stories you have to tell.  I, for the record, am not a good story teller, but I have time to work on that, and now that I’m going out on a Tuesday night, something I wouldn’t have done a year earlier, I’m creating new experiences for myself.

 

 

Consider this.  Had I not left the house last night, I would have never gone to East Burn (a bar), heard the rumor that Dave Chappelle was in Portland and putting on a free show at midnight, seen the live photo on a guys iPhone that looked something like the photo above, rushed down to Pioneer Courthouse Square, crammed through a whirlpool of 10,000 drunk and dirty Portland kids to the front of the stage, touched Dave Chappelle as he pushed by me and been an eye witness to the most spontaneous twitter/facebook fed mass gathering in Portland history. 

 

Below, Dave Chappelle rocking the mic

 

How much did I spend that night?  $6.  But because I made the decision just to leave my house, to go out and interact with people, something extraordinary happened to me.  And I feel like this is the way to create a unique and interesting life.  I went into last night expecting nothing but a good time, and I came out with a lifelong story to tell.

Neta Responds to “Defuse The Bomb First, Hostages Later”

Mr. B. Ayo could not be any more correct in his analogy.  There was an obstacle between myself and the rest of that four-set last Thursday, and he needed to be defused before I could properly engage the others.  After my free beer/PBR opener, which was received well, the two girls in the set reengaged us with some questions.  The Alpha of the group didn’t like where this was headed.

And can you blame him?  Three guys having a good time encroaching on his territory. 

A couple of mistakes in hindsight…the first thing Alpha is thinking is probably, who the F are these guys and how long are they going to be talking to us for?  I feel like we made the mistake of sitting down.  Had I wanted to open the group more successfully it probably should have been from a standing, weight shifted away from the set, position.  Then from a standing position opened just by myself, one male is less threatening than three right?

“We came to the conclusion that the best way to deal with a group with a guy putting up a brick wall is to deal with him first, get him on your side.” – Mr. B. Ayo

“When trying to interact with a group possessing a strong “alpha male” you need to either put him down to show your own level of dominance, or you need to win him over.  Personally for me, I’d rather win him over.” – Mr B. Ayo

I feel like you did a great job of self correcting here Ayo.  I’m not sure that the sign of a true Alpha Male is that he puts other males down to assert his own dominance.  Sure a guy may be acting as alpha male (lower case) of the set but that doesn’t necessarily mean he is exuding Alpha Male (upper case) characteristics.   

So in wanting to exude Alpha Male characteristics, for example in this situation, I feel, like you, that winning someone over is best accomplished through positive energy.

What exactly are these Alpha Male characteristics?  Confidence I imagine.  Put-downs only put people on the defensive.  They don’t make friends.  We’ve got a lot to learn and a lot more to write about.

“Defuse the Bomb First, Hostages Later”

Another trip into the great unknown and a few more observations.  While going out last Thursday Neta began to open a group at North 45 in Northwest Portland.  At this table (which we were sharing with them) sat two girls and two guys, both with a guy and a girl on each side.  Neta, being the outgoing guy he is quickly becoming, opens the group about free beer in Portland (something we were just talking about).  Instantly, the guy closest to Neta turns defensive.  Everything that Neta says this dude either made a snide comment, rolled his eyes, and gave off the body language that he didn’t like Neta intruding in his group.

Afterwards on the walk to another bar, we began talking about what just happened.  We came to the conclusion that the best way to deal with a group with a guy putting up a brick wall is to deal with him first, get him on your side.  Myself, loving analogies, described it this way:

“Before you can save the hostages, you gotta defuse the bomb.”

Defuse the bomb first, a lesson Keanu knew all too well.

This is a very clear lesson for all of us.  When trying to interact with a group possessing a strong “alpha male” you need to either put him down to show your own level of dominance, or you need to win him over.  Personally for me, I’d rather win him over.  How does one do that?  I think that can be handled a few ways.  Begin the conversation with him.  Don’t let him think that you are talking to the group to get to one of the girls, let him think he’s the reason you want to talk to the group.  Another option, have the wingman step in and do a song and dance to distract the so called “alpha” of that group.

We’re going to devote more to this subject in future posts with research to back up our assertions, but let it be known, defuse the bomb before you save the hostages, because before you know it the speedometer hits below 55 with the whole bus blowing up and you’re all goners.

It’s not always about me, sometimes it’s about Roger and Andy

Any one out there in blog land watch Roger Federer and Andy Roddick  play in the finals at Wimbledon last Sunday?  Epic game, no doubt about that. But perhaps one of the most striking moments was the difference in body language between the two players. 

Body language is something I’ve been working on a lot lately.  It says a lot about your state of mind.  People pick up on the most minute tells.  Consciously change your body language to reflect that of a confident person, pretty soon people will treat you like a confident person, then you will become a confident person, and then no more effort is needed.

If I had label Federer’s body language it would be confident, yes, but also requiring minimal effort and thought.  That mother fucker just looked really fucking comfortable.  One of Tennis’ biggest stages and Federer’s body language said he was about to play tennis in his backyard.  

This is the scene.  Federer and Roddick are both waiting in Wimbledon’s famous doorway to walk onto the court. (I tried to find a photo, or a video but couldn’t find anything.  It was before the match started)  The camera focuses in on the two of them while the commentators ramble on about glory and tradition.  Federer, who is a few steps behind Roddick, is dressed to the nines, his feet are apart, his hands are resting comfortably in his pockets and his weight is on his right foot.  Federer looks like a man who already won his 15th Grand Slam title (a feat he accomplished a few hours later).

 

Roddick, on the other hand…

Aside from not looking as good as Roger in that doorway.  Roddick’s feet were close together and he was playing with hands, his racket, he couldn’t stop fidgeting; looking up, looking down, looking away.  Roger just had a rock solid comfortable straight ahead stare.  Roddick had entered Federer’s world, and they both knew it.

Roddick is a rock solid player and a premier tennis athlete ranked #6 in the world.  How many times has he beaten Federer?  Twice.  How many grand slam titles has Roddick won?  Just one.  How many times has he fallen to Federer?  Nineteen freakin times!!!  

Holly shit.  We saw in Sunday’s game just where the two stand athletically.  Both played their hardest and it turned into the longest game ever played at Wimbledon.  So what was the difference?  Confidence.  It was an amazing juxtaposition to see, anytime the two came into close proximity before and after the game.  

Which came first?  Federer’s greatness or his confidence?  From Sunday’s game it appeared to me as if confidence was at the base of Federer’s win.  Strip away all the years of training and tennis and he’d still be a supremely confident guy.

I imagine, that a custom-designed monogrammed Nike warm-up suit with gold detailing can’t hurt.  And Roddick dates an SI swimsuit model so what the hell do I know?

Thursday’s Field Report & Other Such News

Alright, welcome back to myself.  And everyone reading, because looking at our hits so far, a few people are in deed looking.  So thanks for reading!  However, if it is our friend, which we shall call “Reeds” to protect the innocent, then start commenting!  Now that we have that out of the way, allow me to catch some of you up.

Last Thursday Neta, Reeds and myself went downtown in the Pearl for First Thursday.  Neta wrote a little about his perspective from that evening in a post below.  My thoughts on the night.  It was a really fun vibe being downtown Portland for First Thursday.  Tons of people hanging out, drinking beer/wine, checking out some art (most were window shopping) and having a chance to talk to a few interesting people.  Neta showed up on a mission, which I can definitely respect.  He began initiating conversation with anyone that would listen.  I walked around with Reeds and talked to a few vendors, having one prolonged convo with two chicks that were painters.  They recruited me to be their salesman and I suggested they either give alcohol or drugs to potential customers.  After sharing a few laughs, I made a graceful exit and found Reeds.

Eventually we all ended up at the Lizard Lounge.  It’s a trendy, expensive clothing store off of Irving that on First Thursday provides free beer and a live band.  An interesting vibe.  Neta rolled in opening a few sets.  He had success with a few he said, including a fashion show that Reeds and I had the opportunity to watch from a few feet away.  They definitely enjoyed his energy.  Neta wanted me to open random sets.  It’s funny how you react to different situations, but I began to feel this crazy anxiety that I really haven’t felt in a long time.  This is something I have rarely shared, but since this is a blog of honesty and we are in the tree of trust, I’ve always had a slight thing with anxiety, which I find hard to describe.  When it comes to having to talk to random people (I used to feel this when I had to cold call people while interning at a magazine and when I had to interview people in person) I would feel this crazy anxiety in the pit of my stomach and would begin to sweat.  This showed it’s ugly head on Thursday.  To be honest (wow, this might be too much honesty) I thought when I was younger I had a social anxiety problem, which is insane to look at now, since I feel comfortable in groups; however, it used to give me this crippling feeling, where I’d pretty much clam up.  I’m way better at it now, but Thursday brought back that old feeling.  What do I take from that?  I’m not entirely sure.  It’s something that I’ll have to overcome and something I’ll give more thought on.  Haha, wow, sure glad I just shared all that!

Neta discussed a few of the things he felt good about that night.  What I found funny about that evening, because of this crazy anxiety I felt, when I did begin conversations with people while waiting in line for beer (something I sometimes do) I felt more confident about it and it came off a lot easier than usual.  Maybe that anxiety I felt earlier reminded me of what I do feel good about and in turn I felt even better about that.  Maybe what I learn from this (I am totally just freestyling this entry right now) is that I try and see what I felt comfortable about in those situations and try to recreate when opening sets while out.  Maybe this means I try and target sets that I feel more comfortable about (baby steps to the bus) and work from there?  This is all thinking out loud here, but I think it’s key to focus on what seems to work and build from that.

After that evening we debriefed and set a few goals.  I was going to open three groups in an hour and Neta was going to target some higher social value groups for Friday.  Neither happened.  And it was odd, to be honest Neta, because it almost felt like it was a mutual, unspoken thing, where we both realized we wanted to be in our comfort zones that night and not point out to each other of our lack of following through.  The evening was by no means a bust, I did have a good time, so did Neta, but we didn’t go for our goals we stated the other night.

Saturday involved getting food, something I won’t count as a failure.  We both were tired and really wanted to smoke some umm, ughhm, *cough *cough* stuff I picked up earlier in the day.  I did, let the record show, get a girl’s number that day while working.  How did that happen you may ask?  Well, me being funny, putting on a slight show since I was selling alcohol to drunks, and possibly her being drunk and willing to toss out the digits. more freely then usual.  Whatever, there aren’t asterisks marks, just scoreboards.

Alright, back to Neta’s accountability issues.  One could say we let each other down Friday night.  However, if you read my previous thought on that (how I think it was an unspoken thing to be cool on each other) then possibly we didn’t let each other down.  It is complicated question, I guess, when you get down to it.

I think Neta and I will get together soon, (probably tomorrow?) and have a conversation about all of this.  This was the first few days of approaching “going out” in a different light.  We will continue to grow at this and learn how we need to approach this.  Goals that might have been reasonable four days ago, might need to be tweaked to make sure we are making the most out of our time out.

More to come, but you already knew that.

Day 3, Day 4, Day 5 – The Good and the Bad

The good news is that we made it out Friday and Saturday nights.  The bad news is that zero goals were accomplished.  I continued approaching sets of equal or lesser social value (all relative of course) and Mr. B. Ayo continued to approach none.  As Ayo’s accountabilitator I have to place a large amount of the blame on my shoulders.  I let this man down.  It’s obvious that we need to get together and tweak slightly, our energy that keeps each other focused and on track during the night.  

This is an action blog, we take action, and we accomplish goals.  We can’t forget that.

One more piece of good news.  I ran into my college roommate at a bar called Blitz in the Pearl.  We’ll call him Barry.  Barry is a natural; he’s fun, outgoing, but perhaps the best part about watching him in action was that he really really knows how to challenge women.  And guess what?  They fucking love it.  They eat that shit up.

I opened a two set at a bar called Life of Riley, I wasn’t blown out, quite the contrary, but it also wasn’t going anywhere.  Boom.  In steps Barry, all smiles, and I introduce him to the two girls.  Within a minute Barry and the more attractive girl are involved in a college football challenge involving rival schools that they are both, honestly, very passionate about.  Within a few minutes they exchanged contact info.  Half-an-hour later they agreed to meet the next day.

Barry had basically failed his GMAT’s earlier that day.  But you know, Barry didn’t care.  He’s always out to have a good time.

It was a fun experience to watch while I winged and entertained the other girl and a few friends that came up throughout the interaction.

That was The Good and The Bad.

I think these next few weeks are a crucial time for Mr. B. Ayo and I.  If we don’t accomplish these goals and give it our all it’s going to be SO SO easy to become complacent, to not meet the girls we want and to not live the lives we dream.  Unfortunately, this happens too often to people and the only thing that scares me more is thinking that it could be me.

-Neta

The Neta, Day 2

Yesterday was Day 2 and our first night out.  Lots of successes, no failures, and a lot of things that need to be worked on.  

First Thursday, the Lizard Lounge, and Koi Fusion taco truck are the bombs (plural?).  If you’re interested you can find directions and links on our “Stuff We Like” page.

My biggest stumbling block of the night was approaching groups who I perceived had a higher social standing than my own.  On the other hand I had no problem approaching female sets and mixed sets of perceived equal or lesser value. 

There was definitely some role playing going on in the sets with girls.  (I believe the technical term is “banter” but I hate using that word).  Some definite IOS.  I was one girl’s MTV Made coach and on a fashion runway with some others.  I was received well by others and never once shut down.

All that is great, but why am I really doing all of this.  

To grow the balls to talk to guys and girls of higher social value.

Which brings me to my goals for tonight, and thanks to my accountabilitator, Mr. B. Ayo, for asking the right questions and coming up with practical solutions.

Tonight.  Friday night. The weather is amazing.  Fourth of July weekend and the girls, and guys will be out in force one more time.

Goals for tonight.  Gotta keep approaching groups, keep doing what I’m doing.  I’m doing good and I feel comfortable doing that.  Baby steps, attraction may come in a little bit.  More importantly I need to get over my approach anxiety of high value mixed sets.  So tonight.  That is the goal.  I need to approach at least three higher value mixed sets and realize that I’m not going to get blown out.  Get over that anxiety.  That is the goal.  

I’ll let you know how goes the goal mañana. 

-Neta

First Thursday

This is the first thursday of our little experiment and coincidentally it coincides with First Thursday here in Portland.  Most major cities have something similar where galleries open up and people come out to peruse gentrified industrial wearhouses turned starbucks.  

The important thing to point out is that it was 95 degrees today in Portland and the BREEEEEEZIES are out!  Tonight should make for a great inaugural night-out as we approach and approach and approach group after group after group, with anxiety, but hopefully showing none of it.  We will it engrain that shit into our heads through repetition that people are people are people.  They are just like us, only more self-conscious and more seeking of acceptance.  We on the other hand ,will not be (like this after many months possibly years).

I’m sure there will be some kind of report to come soon from Mr. B. Ayo and myself so check back tomorrow.

-Neta

Mr. B. Ayo Introduces The Action Blog

Mr. B. Ayo reporting for duty.  This is how I view what this crazy journey Neta and myself are embarking on.  Don’t worry, I won’t always write posts this long.

The human brain, a mass collection of cells, muscle and blood, a super highway comprised of 100 billion neurons interacting with each other making more than 100 trillion synaptic connections.  And you thought your iphone 3G S was impressive.  Inside this three-pound organ, we not only control our physical actions, but we find the makeup for who we are.  Hidden in our cognitive processes we find our Executive Functions, where our personalities and our tendencies are defined by dozens of years of reacting and responding to social and personal situations.  In this, our personality is created.  It isn’t like a switch that we can flip, but more a muscle reaction.  Our attitudes and personality aren’t defined by how we want to be perceived by the world, but by how we have reacted throughout our own existence to a litany of experiences.

That’s where this whole notion of self-betterment and self-improvement gets tricky.

We all have a desired self that we see in our brain—typically someone more confident, smarter, good looking, decisive, what have you—but our own history of reacting to life doesn’t allow us to make the desired self easily accessible.  A person hoping to get in better physical health knows he needs to eat better and workout more.  But, if that person is already in bad health, he’s likely has a lifetime of bad eating and physical exercise behavior.  How can 30 years of experience and decisions made be changed on a whim?  I argue that they can’t be.  But, knowing what I do about human reactions and interactions and the creation of “self,” I do believe that over time attitudes and the notions of  “self” can be changed and modified to the ideal self.  It isn’t as instantaneous as a click of a mouse, more like 1,000 free throws by a basketball player or hours of piano playing by the musician.

That’s how I view the idea of self-improvement and self-betterment.  Neta and I have a goal of working on ourselves and developing into the ideal “self” that we want to be.  We know it is going to take work and accountability (accountabilitator I believe is the new term), which is why the whole idea of doing this type of self-makeover is better accomplished with someone else at the same time.  It will involve putting ourselves into what at first might be awkward social situations, but with each situation we are going to learn and adapt for the next one.  Along the way we plan on reading, listening and analyzing everything we can find about Natural Game.  This is going to be an adventure, and we hope that through our mistakes and successes that not only we’ll become better equipped for our end self, but that you as the reader are as well.

When I look at what Neta and I hope to accomplish this summer it isn’t a complete rebranding of ourselves internally or externally.  We both have had success in our early lives as creative professionals, Neta is a talented professional photographer and I’m an internationally published writer.  However, we both know, that if we are going to take the next step from creative individuals to professionals that have a successful career and life in our professions, it first needs to start internally in how we see the world and how we react to it.  A greater self-confidence is key, without a doubt.  It’s all about selling yourself, networking, and knowing the right people.  The path to creative professional success is littered with those who failed.  We feel this summer experiment will fine tune our social skills and raise our own personal confidence to take more chances and be able to succeed for the long run in our chosen careers.

Life is too short not to be in complete control of yourself.

Neta’s goals for July 2009

Wow, the honorary first blog post.  I’m in my room next to my best friend Mr. B. Ayo, thirty minutes before the day our lives change. I believe that all big changes start small and every month Ayo and myself will be listing our short term goals as well as some long-term goals.  For some less tangible long term goals you can check out our about pages and find out, just why we started this blog.  

For change to happen I truly believe it helps to have someone hold you accountable to your goals.  The facilitator of accountability.  The accountabilitator is my role to Ayo and his to myself.

So in 30 minutes I will, work out four days a week, free write one hour a day (turn off the cell phone and close the computer), and put myself in social situations five days a week, at least twice at night, for a minimum of three hours.

Some longer term goals I have are to get back up to 185lbs (through lifting not gallons of ice cream), complete a documentary project before October, move out of my parent’s house by October, and to work with a Portland area photographer better than me.

The adventure begins in twenty-two minutes.  To check out a bulletined outline of our goals by the month, click here to go to our goals page.

Nineteen minutes…see you tomorrow.